The Story Of Heather...
We get a lot of questions about our sweet little spokesmodel Heather. People write and ask "where is Heather from?" and "how did she get to be such a bitch with all of that 'Tude?". So to save the time and energy of writing everyone back, we thought we would post Heather's story on the site for the entire world to see:
Heather was born on the Upper East side of Manhattan in New York City in 1982. Her father, Baxter, is a Senior Vice President with one of the big mega-banks we have all come to hate, especially in the past few years. Her mother, Patience, is a socialite and party circuit professional. She auditioned for the "Real Housewives of New York City" but didn't make the cut because her nose was deemed to be angled too high in the air and you could see up her nostrils. Younger brother Chip has been in college for six years with no end in sight. He's actually trying to beat John "Bluto" Blutarsky's college record of seven years. Chip, however, has no plans to do anything when he does graduate except play video games. He still dates high school girls who think he is "cool."
It should come as no shock to anyone that Heather was enabled by both her parents from an early age.
December 1983 - Heather's parents were detained by police at a Manhattan Toys 'R Us after getting into an "altercation" with a "couple with no class" who refused to give up a Cabbage Patch Doll that looked like their precious little angel and they "had to have it for Christmas." Baxter "denied" trying to bribe the other couple to give the doll up and also denied threatening the police seargent responding to the "disturbance" call. Baxter allegedly said he would call the mayor, who he claimed was a "personal friend." Patience denied calling the other woman "a heartless bitch" for refusing to give up the doll.
Kindergarten - Her parents bribed a principal to put Heather at the top of the new kindergarten admission list for the Myles Egbert Children's Academy in Manhattan. In her first month Heather organized a revolt against her teacher Ms. Hamilton and the kids bum rushed the poor woman into the classroom's private bathroom and jammed the door shut. She was only released after another teacher passing by heard her cries for help. Heather denied all involvement and convinced another student to take the rap for organizing the assault by threatening that her daddy would get his daddy fired from his job.
1st Grade - After getting caught smearing butter pats on the back of a female classmate during first grade lunch, Heather's parents stormed the school and accused the administration of conspiring against their daughter and threatened legal action. The butter pat victim was forced to apologize to Heather for "falsely" accusing her of the incident. Another child, who was at the school on a low-income family scholarship, was then blamed for the attack and immediately expelled. Heather's parents issued a press release through their official spokesperson thanking the school for "exonerating their daughter."
2nd Grade - Heather was playing at a friend's 35th floor Park Avenue apartment when the girl made the mistake of calling Heather's Barbie doll a "slut." Heather was about to drop the girl from the apartment's balcony railing when the family's Guatemalan maid Ismarelda intervened. Heather threatened to have her daddy calll the INS to have Ismarela deported if she said a word and the incident was never mentioned again.
3rd Grade - Heather was always a Paula Abdul fan. For her 8th birthday, she wanted front row seats to the show at Madison Square Garden. No matter how hard Baxter tried and how many favors he tried to call in, he was not able to secure the tickets for his little girl. She never forgave him, and, to this day, she uses every opportunity to remind him how he disappointed her when she turned the critical age of 8. It was one of many disappointments poor Heather would experience in her young life of privilege.
4th Grade - Heather was caught playing doctor in the school's library with her future boyfriend Cameron. She threatened to expose the principal's affair with the school's nurse if her parents were called. How Heather learned of the affair is still a mystery to this day.
5th Grade - Heather was forced to behave herself much of this year after she tangled with another student whose daddy had more "juice" in Manhattan's financial community. Her parents had to sit her down and cajole her to stop antagonizing Madison Winthrop to prevent her parents from losing their country club membership. It turns out Madison's grandfather was a founder of the Winthrop Country Club. Ooops!
6th Grade - Heather made a quite a stir in sex-ed class when she asked permission to show a "special video" she brought in. The teacher, for some reason, didn't think to preview the tape and Heather was given the go ahead. The "special video" turned out to be a sex tape Heather's parents had made with her nanny. The teacher was forced to sign a confidentiality agreement, given a $10,000 "performance bonus" and the tape was incinerated. It is rumored that Heather has another copy that she has used for years to get her parents to give her what she wants.
7th Grade - Heather embraces clothes, make-up, and shopping as any tween would. Except Heather has an American Express Card of her own with no limit. For her birthday, Heather has a screening of the movie "Heathers" at her parent's country club for a hundred of her closest friends. At the conclusion of the screening Heather proclaims her admiration for lead character "Heather Duke" and promises to emulate her as she grows into adulthood. A storm of protest erupts after the party when the friend's parents discover that their children were shown an "R" rated movie. Heather's parents calmed things down by giving all of the kids $100 gift certificates to Tower Records.
8th Grade - Heather and Cameron officially started "dating." While the relationship doesn't physically progress past holding hands, Cameron is very supportive of Heather by going shopping with her and carrying her purchases. He also helps her with her make-up and hair.
9th Grade - Heather fully enters "Heather Duke" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heathers#Plot mode, intimidating the rest of her 9th grade class with her BFF Mandy, Amber, and believe it or not, Madison Winthrop. Heather is also caught helping a senior boy, Chance Patterson, "zip his pants" in a men's room stall during a school dance. Heather denies anything sexual happened and that Chance just needed to talk about his recent break-up with "hot" cheerleader Suzie Stein. When told of the incident, Cameron defends Heather and reaffirms his "love" for her with an ad in the school newspaper "Whispers."
10th Grade - Heather cheats on a home economics test by writing a grilled cheese recipe on her hand (ala Sarah Palin) and gets caught by a student teacher. (Please, don't get us started on this one.) Once again, Mummy and Daddy came to the rescue by promising the student teacher a job at their restaurant in the Hamptons and Heather's school record remained unblemished.
11th Grade - Heather is caught shoplifting tampons from a 24-hour CVS store at 3 am. She, Mandy, Amber, and yes Madison were coming home from a club that they "snuck" into (actually Amber was sleeping with the bouncer) and Mandy had an "accident." Heather thought it would be "funny" to steal tampons and was "shocked" when she was apprehended by the Pakistani security guard in the analgesics aisle. She was still screaming that he was "third world garbage" when the police arrived. Unfortunately, Heather's parents were in the Hamptons and couldn't come to her rescue. She couldn't reach Cameron as he was at a party on Fire Island and her call went straight to voice mail.
Heather was booked and taken to Riker's Island where she stood in the holding cell the entire time, refusing to touch anything. Her parents bailed her out a few hours later and Heather immediately went home and took a long shower to remove the poor people germs those other people must have given her. A Superior Court judge friend of the family influenced CVS to drop the charges and Heather once again felt free to behave with impunity. Heather termed it the "worst experience of her life".
12th Grade - Senior year was a banner one for Heather and her self-proclaimed "Bitch Mafia." The movie "Heathers" came out on DVD and the girls had weekly viewing parties to brush up on how they should treat the "have nots" they stumbled across in their daily lives. Heather and Mandy were arrested for underage drinking and theft by taking when they tried to skip out on paying a cab fare by running when the cab let them out. Their inebriation combined with the fact that the driver had been on the Russian Olympic Track Team led to their apprehension. It turns out the cab was owned by a shell company for the Russian Mob and their "juice" outweighed Heather's dad's "juice" and even the Superior Court judge couldn't help. Heather was ordered to pay compensation and serve Community Service at a homeless shelter. Heather termed this the "second worst experience of her life" and claimed that there was a conspiracy to ruin her life and reputation.
Heather was accepted to Syracuse University as a student in the Child and Family Studies program. Her father hired a private car service to take her to class from her luxury off-campus apartment. She also used the car service to take her to and from the athletic club to work out. Heather was a Legacy to the biggest sorority on campus. Her mother, grandmother and great-grandmother had all been sisters. Due to her “shenanigans” in high school, her acceptance as a pledge was not guaranteed. Her mother, Patience, made a large donation to the sorority that allowed the sisters to completely re-decorate the house… flat screen tv’s, stairmasters, and a gourmet kitchen with a sous-chef. Heather and her “Bitch Mafia” all were offered bids to be part of the incoming Freshman Pledge Class. Once Rush was completed and their places in the house secured, Heather and her mafia went about the task of ruling the house. By the time they were initiated, any pledge and sister they felt was not qualified to be part of the house, had mysteriously left. There were rumors of drugs, sex tapes, cheating and affairs with professors. Nothing was ever proved and the rumors were never traced back to Heather.
Heather truly enjoyed life as a Sorority Bow-head. She made sure her sorority was always aligned with the best fraternity on campus for Homecoming, Greek Week, and all other social events. They always won any competitions they entered. Once again, there were rumors of cheating and payouts, but nothing was ever proven.
As for the top fraternity, Heather became a “Little Sister” and was the favorite of all of the “little sisters.” She has yet to meet a frat boy she didn’t like and they all loved her. The sorority mating call was mastered within the first week on campus. Not a weekend went by without Heather screaming from the front of the fraternity house, “I am sooooo drunk.” Brothers raced to help her survive the night.
Heather majored in Early Childhood Education, also known as the “MRS. Degree.” She was not successful with either degree. While the classes were not difficult (she mastered her colors, counting and the alphabet), she hated the requirement to student teach. Her placement was not at the best school in the state, but at the poorest school in the district. Heather was appalled that she would be forced to teach students that didn’t know the difference between Prada, Coach and Kate Spade. Instead of completing this last part of her education, she left school to become a nanny for a prominent New York banking family.
2005 - Heather auditioned for American Idol. She sang her favorite Paula Abdul song “Straight Up,” complete with dance moves from the video, for her idol. Heather couldn’t carry a tune in a tin bucket and her dance moves were the equivalent to a large bull in a small china shop. Simon snickered during the entire performance and had nothing good to say once Heather was done. Paula, of course, loved it and wanted her to move on to the next round. Randy was his typical self and diplomatically told her she just didn't have what it takes to be an American Idol. No amount of money could buy her the Golden Ticket to Hollywood. (Baxter tried, and even used his connections with Rupert Murdoch to no avail). Heather was further humiliated once the audition rounds aired. She was one of the “bad” singers that was totally annihilated by the editing. Her audition video went viral on Youtube and is now more popular than “She Bang” by William Hung. Now that's bad.
As for the MRS Degree, she was also not successful. None of the boys on campus or any of the surrounding universities were able to meet her high standards. As she had always been a Daddy’s girl, no man could ever live up to her never-ending demands. Whether it was dinner at the most expensive restaurant, tickets to the sold-out Justin Timberlake show, or the diamond tennis bracelet, they all managed to let her down. Daddy was the only one that could truly meet all of her demands, but even he was not always successful.